Former NFL player eats hat of first pick in NFL Draft
As promised, in a Sporting News interview, NFL Alumni member Jeff Nixon, a retired Buffalo Bill player ate the hat of the first pick in the NFL draft. He did it to protest the bonus money that first round picks will receive because a rookie pay system is still not in place.
Although the NFL and the NFLPA have talked about setting a limit on the bonus money that rookies receive and then using the savings to increase pre-1993 player pensions…..nothing has been done because the active players are not happy with the owner’s last offer.
Recovering in his hospital bed at Millard Fillmore Hospital in Buffalo, New York, Mr. Nixon said “no matter how much Buffalo hot sauce I put on each bite and washed down with a fine Chianti, it was still hard to choke down the fact that these rookies would still be receiving obscenely high bonuses before they set one foot on the NFL gridiron……especially when we still have Hall of Fame players that are receiving monthly pensions that are less than $200 a month.”
The stunt almost cost Mr. Nixon his life.
As Cam Newton was introduced as the first pick in the NFL draft and received his honorary baseball hat from Roger Goodell, Mr. Nixon dedicated the first bite of the hat to all the former players that had been denied disability by the NFL Retirement Board. As he began to swallow the first piece he said, “I do this in memory of Mike Webster and all the other players who have fought the Retirement Board to obtain what is rightfully theirs – compensation for the injuries they incurred on the NFL field.”
Iron Mike did not live to see the court victory that paid his estate for the injuries he sustained. Although Mike is gone, his legacy will be that the NFL and the NFLPA finally began to focus more attention on the plight of former players.
As Mr. Nixon fought back the urge to vomit over the atrocity, he said “This is also dedicated to all the pioneers of the NFL that never even had a disability plan to compensate them for the blood they shed on the football field.”
You could see that Mr. Nixon was visibly choked up and was hoping that the NFL and the NFLPA weren’t still suffering from what some retired players commonly refer to as the “delay, deny and hope you die syndrome.” There are medications for that, but the side effects include: Trouble sleeping due to guilty conscience, drowsiness from apathy, nausea and vomiting from neglecting the older generation of NFL players, amnesia and forgetting the legacy that brought them wealth.
On his second bite of Cam Newton’s hat, Mr. Nixon said “This is in memory to all the great players that have passed away while hoping that the NFL and the NFLPA would agree to substantially increase the pensions of the players that built the foundations of the NFL. They unfortunately will never see that day come to fruition. They are still with us in spirit and their voices will echo for eternity urging us to continue the fight for what is right.”
Paramedics that were on the scene, said that it is not advisable to try this stunt at home because it could lead to what is commonly referred to as “restless legs, knees and other surgically repaired body parts syndrome.”
Mr. Nixon was having a hard time focusing, but after just a few minutes on the sideline a doctor asked him if he could see the two fingers he was holding up. Mr. Nixon said “I saw only one finger…. and it was the middle one.” He also said he had a tremendous desire to eat a big Fig Newton and said maybe the raisins would help him when he takes a bowel movement in the next day or two – one that will undoubtedly bring back memories of his publicity stunt.
Mr. Nixon was sent immediately back into the draft room by his coach and mentor, George Martin – the Executive Director of the NFL Alumni.
Asked for a comment on the media attention surrounding the event, Mr. Martin said “Jeff, is one crazy son of a biscuit eater, but anything that brings more attention to the needs of retired players is what the NFL Alumni Association is all about.”
Back at the table, Jeff began his final attempt to tackle the hat saying “This bite is in memory of John Mackey and the players that now have no memory of their loved ones due to the numerous concussions they sustained on the football field.”
With that statement, he fell unconscious and was rushed to the emergency ward at Millard Fillmore Hospital. In the ambulance he briefly regained consciousness and said “I had hoped to reach my 55th birthday on October 13, 2011, but at least my wife will now get the NFL “Widow Benefit” that will pay her $9,000 a month for 4 years and then $3,600 a month thereafter.”
While slipping in and out of a coma, some nurses told this reporter that they overheard Mr. Nixon tell a family member “I was wondering why my wife had strongly encouraged me to do this stunt, but then I remembered that once I turn 55 the “Widow Benefit” is no longer available and she would only receive my regular monthly pension of $1,270 a month.”
News Update: Jeff is at home resting comfortably. In a short statement released to the public, he said “I love my wife, but I am concerned that she bought me a new radio, plugged it in and placed it on a shelf above the bathtub.”
A satire by yours truly,
Posted on April 29, 2011, in NFL Alumni News and tagged demaurice smith, Jeff Nixon, Mike Webster, National Football League, National Football League Players Association, nfl, nflpa, roger goodell. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.